Dr. Wayne Dyer

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Crashing into ego

starchild

20-04-2006 08:35:34

I look at all the topics here and usually don't know where to post, so give up.

But, maybe this is the best one.

Seems like over the years (many years, many books, tapes, words)I can get myself somewhat psyched up into feeling better. More positive, trusting, in the flow. Wayne (and Abraham) have been a help.

Seems like when I feel good and don't think about "problems" they work out and my life is better (of course!)

But, every now and then I CRASH. This is the only way I can discribe it. Crash into ego? Like Abraham says "never face reality unless it's what you want". I get into doing what I love, which is photography, computer art, going outside (I don't have a car, so find ways to take pictures that are different where I am, seasons, lighting, etc) I read and write and listen to tapes.

Then, all of a sudden something happens that seems to DEMAND my attention in "the real world" (well the one that seems real). I can't avoid, ignore, put off. Filling out forms, for example. Like the yearly forms I have to fill out to apply for long term Medicaid care for my husband who is in a nursing home after having a stroke (in 1998) Like someone with power saying "you have to do this". Of coure, it's just forms to fill out and I've got so I keep copies of them to go by, but they change them year to this. This year there were more (new) to do with signing away my rights to privacy (giving banks, anything I am involved with the right to give out any information about me, if sked). It's more that Im never sure what to put where, and have to find figures (amount I pay per year for utilities, insurance, etc) It's something I do NOT want to do (deal with) but I feel I have to. The last time, a few days ago, it seemed worse. I actually got sick from it (negatvie energy). I knew I should get into a better state of mine but wanted to just get it over with and away from me for another year.
I don't even know if this makes sense to anyone. It's like the more I get into "do what you love" and in the flow, the harder it is, and the worse it feels to be faced with something that seems to take me out of it.
I tend to ignore and put off a lot, like housework- it seems so boring and I'm burned out on it, and don't want to deal with it. I'm not making money, like if I wrote and sold a best selling book (LOL) I could hire household help. I could also get the house fixed, in ways it seems to be falling apart around me. I have barely enough money to live on, let alone do home repairs.
I guess it's something I feel I "should" be dealing with (but I don't know how or what I can do) and, like paperwork, something I HAVE to do (I can't just trust everything would be taken care of otherwise, my husband's expenses are high due to medical care. Of course the state has a lein on my house, so if I didn't need it to live in, they would take it, anyway).

Seems like a pattern in my life. I grew up- not really poor, but my parents had gone through the Great Depressio, and were thrifty. They didn't buy good furniture, and didn't believe kids needed "nice clothes" to go to school in. And, back in the 50's this wasn't the big deal it is now, having the right clothes to fit in. But, going to school wearing the same things, and sweaters with holes and worn and shabby, I think we were looked down on. Then, after I married, we had a big family (we wanted- a big family and live simply in the country. Didn't realize living in the country costs more than any other way, at least to get stated!) so we moved around a lot, and seemed like we were seen as "poor and ignorant". Like we didn't know enough not to have children. (I've talked to others who had big families who feel this same way). We lived poorly, we didn't live on welfare or benefits, etc. We just got by.

I can see there's a pattern to this, and now I'm basically alone in life, and gettiong by on low (husband's SS because I have no source of income, and even if I managed to get a job, at age 62, and a way to get to it (I live in the country, with no car- thus the idea of getting a computer 7 1/2 year ago) whatever I made for money would be deducted from the money I get from SS (at some point. Also, at some point if I made certain amount, I'd have to start paying for my husband's care). So, in a way, I think I feel I have to do something to make a LOT of money.

Right now I'm focusing on doing what feels good to me, even though I till can't see why and what ever will come of it. As long as I can remember, I've felt "I should be doing smething but I don't know WHAT!" It's like muddlling through life. Any guidance I'm aware of it "do what you're doing".

I once read if you feel like this, like you're doing/preparing for something but you don't know what (specifically) you are creating something new. Just keep following guidance"

Anyway, the main point of this is, that terrible feeling, of sick- depressed- OVERWHELMED, that seems to be worse now (that I am getting out of it more) when it does happen. Like there's something I have to deal with, but I don't want to, or don't know how. The only word I cn think of is 'crashing". It seems easy to think just stay feeling Connected and Guided and get into the flow, or trust. And I have managed to do this at times, but something *I* myself have to do- deal with, I don't want to, seems to be the problem.

Not just forms to fill out and info to find and deal with, but just washing dishes, which pile up and I just DON'T want to do. But, nobody else seems to do them if I don't (LOL)

It's like I don't do much around the house, don't have money to put into it, and it's usually a mess, and I'm sitting playing on the computer or out taking pictures and I feel okay when I do this, but not when I realize what I seem to be avoiding- or spacing out.

Conflict? The question always seems to be, do we stay with one foot in each world, or one or the other? I seem to be more into the Spiritual now, but then "the other" intrudes at times, and it seems worse than ever.

Does this make sense to anyone?

~ Carrie

chris knight

26-04-2006 10:40:47


Never forget that YOU have control over your focus.

You choose WHAT to focus on.

Therefore, you are in control over how you feel moment to moment.

I know it doesn't seem fair for me to have a 'simplistic' response to your in-depth post, but sometimes in life, the SIMPLE road is easier to take than a complex response.

With love.... 8)

Buffysroda

26-04-2006 12:03:58

Carrie

Never give up on love. I know that love will multiply itself as you. I intend it to be so. And so it is.