Dr. Wayne Dyer

Dr. Wayne Dyer Fan Discussion Board
-By Fans, For Fans-

Suggestions?

PeaceMommy

27-08-2004 02:47:07

Hello. I am new here and am struggling with an extremely angry, negative husband. Our marriage has been in trouble for a long time and I am using many of Dr. Dyer's principles to give this one last good try. I have rediscovered Dr. Dyer.

I have two relevant issues for all of you

1)Maintaining positive energy in his presence or even when I think about him. This is very difficult for me.

2)Visualizing the life that I want with him in it. I cannot seem to picture him in it anymore.

Blessings to you all.

Hazel

27-08-2004 10:07:53

Dear PeaceMom...

(((((((((BIG HUG))))))))))))) I am 50 let's see 52... have to stop and think from time to time! Not so much oldshiemer just my physical sense of age varies from day to day... Hot and humid here on the plains, ac pulley fell off & got it ordered went to pick it up yesterday afternoon... 102 degrees hottest it has been all summer here on the plains, let me tell you I am feeling much younger today than I was then!

It is good that you are focusing on your inner strengths and I know from experience it is sometimes difficult to detach from situations. A friend of mine has been trying to detach from her ex husband for three years. Mainly through alcohol and sex which is not all that healthy. That's another story.

It is difficult for me to be in her presence as the only time she visits is when she has hit bottom. It is difficult for me to work through my initial ego reaction to the situation and to remember her as she once was. Now I am a hugger and in her presence I could feel a barrier erecting even as she was saying you are such a dear friend to listen, etc etc.

So I searched inwardly for guidance, and thought of giving her Dr. Dyer's books, couldn't find them, found some more simpler affirmation books, three of them, told her to put one in the bedroom, one in the bathroom, one in the living room, when ever a negative thought formed in her mind, to open and read whatever page... A couple days later I spoke with her and she was doing just that and taking one to work with her... Simple steps in preparation for when she is able to digest more.

Detachment isn't always easy when the persons presence is negative, and you have little option of retreat. Now in my relationship, I am the more negative person. Listening to NPR yesterday they finally have scientific evidence that there is physical validation that some people are prone to depression, negativity.

There are many things we negative people can do to compensate for these physical and emotional limitations, yet sometimes we are clouded by habit. It is important that the people close to us do what they need to do to maintain their individual identity.

I have seen the vision of creating our own reality work both positive and negative. So I know in my heart that it is a viable tool, these thought choices I make.

My only concern is that if you are suffering from physical abuse, you should make safety your first priority.

Sending you many positive thoughts and healing energy.

Walk in beauty, Hazel

PeaceMommy

29-08-2004 22:10:05

Thank you for your detailed and thoughtful, compassionate response.

I have reviewed some of your suggestions and I started making up some affirmations and phrases to put on cards to look at whenever I get down.

I will keep going and pray and stay positive while maintaining my boundaries of what I will accept.

Warmly,
PeaceMommy

Hazel

30-08-2004 09:26:33

Dear PeaceMommy,

Glad to hear you are still forging forward... My daughter after leaving home once mentioned to me that one thing she recalled with fond memory were the notes I would leave around the house. Positive affirmations, notes of my love for my family taped on the bathroom mirror, refridgerator, washer, dryer, doors etc. (Like the ones on the washer and dryer were read by many other than myself! *big grin*)

I agree you must find within yourself what it is that you wish to nurture. Basic goodness was my first intention. Good memories, of a loving life. It had to begin with me.

Early in my daughter's marriage she came to me when her husband was accused of something. Many times when we are faced with possible deception, it can throw us as it makes us question our intuition, our gut feelings. Anger and frustration often clouds our ability to use our intuition, to use love to guide our direction in life.

I suggested to her to think on how she felt about her husband before this. Did she turst him, did he have the positive qualities she desired in a mate, did she believe in her love for him and his love for her. If so then treat him as the man she would have in her life. If you want a good man then think and believe that he is one. She has had many occasions to find fault in her relationship, yet she has continued to live with the motto As You Think So Shall You Be.

Dr. Dyer in his Real Magic book speaks on this affirmation. and many good insights to creating positive intentions in your relationships. In particular focusing on your responses internally and physically towards the other person. ie. I hate it when he does this, I hate it when he is like this. A negative response negating a negative reaction. If you can shift your perception to He must be on his own path right now and this is how he is choosing to react, yet there are so many other outstanding qualities I love about him. Those are the things I am going to focus on. Stay centered on sending love not the negative energy he is producing.

Dr. Dyer states that the real magic in relationships means an absence of judgement of others. What is inside you gets there by way of your thoughts. If you harbor hate, then hate is what you give away.

Just some rambling thoughts. The foremost thought I have is that any path is just a path. It is not wrong or right, it is the path we happen to be on at any given time. There is no fault in choosing another path. There is great wisdom learned from even the most difficult path because eventually if we are true to our heart's intention we will walk the path of basic goodness full of unconditional love.

Myself I am in a year old relationship with a man who has many good qualities. However in my past my relationships have been full of deceipt, cruelty and pain. Even today I find that it is easy for me to slip into old patterns, not trusting, defensive... negative thoughts are easy for me to come by as they were a part of my life for so many years. Will has been very patient with me. His acceptance of me unconditionally in his actions and words allows me the ability to see who I can be and who I do not want to be. Simply as when I am full of doubt and negative thought, he will say "You think I am like this?" and I will realize that no I don't think of him like that, but that is what my actions and words are portraying. What I am actually doing is acting out my insecurities and pain from other issues.

It is important for me to get adequate rest, take care of myself and to meditate ... as it is too easy to slip into a negative role ... This weekend as I was cleaning house something I dislike as I put it off way too long, I kept thinking of a friend who visited me last week. It would bring me irritation and negative emotion. Then I remembered Dr. Dyer saying he would count backwards from 24 to zero... and I began to do that. Another way for me to silence negative thoughts is to inhale through deeply to the count of seven and to exhale through the mouth to the count of four... mentally thinking, breathing breathing breathing, till the point that my mind is quiet and empty.

okay I have rambled enough.

Walk in beauty, bathed in healing light,
Hazel

Ron

30-08-2004 20:31:08

Nice name, but it appears you are having trouble finding it to be true? You wrote

"I am new here and am struggling with an extremely angry, negative husband. Our marriage has been in trouble for a long time and I am using many of Dr. Dyer's principles to give this one last good try. I have rediscovered Dr. Dyer."

You do realize that in any relationship you are in, you are always the common denominator? Has this type of relationship occured before in your life? Your parents, perhaps? I am assuming you have learned why your husband in angry, why he is so negative? Using Wayne's suggestions is a a great start, but use them only as tools as you either repair or tear down your relationship.

"1)Maintaining positive energy in his presence or even when I think about him. This is very difficult for me. "

If it is difficult for you to maintain a positive energy in his presence or even when you think about him, what is it that is getting to you? What do you, perhaps, see reflected in him that you don't like about you? And why are you allowing him to drain you of your energy? Why are you giving your energy away? These are all choices you are making, not him. You are choosing to allow him to do this to you.

"2)Visualizing the life that I want with him in it. I cannot seem to picture him in it anymore. "

In your visiualization, do you not see him in it because he is not what you are trying to see him as? Was he like this when you married, and did you perhaps think he would change his ways for you? Perhaps your marriage is over, perhaps it is best you both go your separate ways. But before you yourself take this leap, take a look at you in this realtionship and not just at him. You do not want to repeat this scenario again in another relationship. All relationships are for the purpose of learning - you and he are teacher/pupil for each other - you both have lessons to learn and lessons to teach. Have you learned all there is to learn in this relationship?

And is a life alone what you truly want? Remember it must be a life where you do not judge him or think negatively of him - it must be a life you can lead where you accept him where he is, as he is. Are you ready for that?

Namaste - Ron

Ron

31-08-2004 07:43:18

This was included in some quotes this morning from another board and I thought of you when reading it. I hope it helps you on your journey

From Paul Ferrini, Miracle of Love ďAs long as you hold onto a relationship that has served its purpose in your life, you will be holding yourself hostage to the past. Letting go is an act of substantial courage. There is always some degree of pain in the release of someone or something that once brought you joy and happiness. You will have to be patient and mourn the loss. But when your mourning is over, you will arise as a new person. You will be open to opportunities you never could have dreamed of. As you explore these new opportunities, you will step back into your life with confidence and faith. Your life will be renewed and you will be reborn as the phoenix is from the ashes of the past. The fire of change is never easy to weather. But if you surrender, the conflagration is quickly over. In the enriched soil, the seeds of tomorrow can be sown.Ē


Namaste - Ron

Diana309

03-09-2004 23:57:21

I agree with the quote Ron posted, sometimes we are not meant to be with the same people in our lives forever and a day.

In addition, it doesn't mean there is no love, it just means that the energy that you both created for our life purpose of growth and experience, is no longer at a priority for you.

I hope the words of this song helps you - Whitney Houston and her mum sing a wonderful version of this.

"I Know Him So Well"
from the musical Chess
lyrics by Tim Rice, music by Benny Andersson & Bjorn Ulvaeus (1985? -- opened in London 1986)
as performed by Barbra Streisand
(on the album For The Record..., as recorded for (but not included on) The Broadway Album in 1985)

Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
But this has never yet prevented me
Wanting far too much for far too long

Looking back I could have played it differently
Won a few more moments, who can tell
But it took time to understand the man
Now at least I know I know him well

Wasnít it good (oh so good)
Wasnít he fine (oh so fine)
Isnít it madness he canít be mine
But in the end he needs a little bit more than me, more
She needs security, he needs his fantasy and freedom
I know him so well

No one in your life is with your constantly
No one is completely on your side
And thoí I moved my world to be with him
Still the gap between us is too wide

Looking back I could have played it differently
Learned about the man before I fell
But I was ever so much younger then
Now at least I know I know him well

Wasnít it good (oh so good)
Wasnít he fine (oh so fine)
Isnít it madness he wonít be mine
Didnít I know how it would go
If I knew from the start
Why am I falling apart

Wasnít it fine
Isnít it madness he wonít be mine
But in the end he needs a little more than me, more
She needs security, he needs his fantasy and freedom
I know him so well

It took time to understand the man
I know him so well

Anonymous

24-10-2004 17:29:38

As I have grown spiritualy over the last few years, I've discovered that letting others hurt me, and excusing them, hurt them as well. My intentions were to make them feel better about themselves. I was trying to reflect the Divinity within me by loving unconditionally. When someone would snap at me, I'd tell myself they didn't mean it, that they were simply unhappy. Returning anger and hatred with love and compassion, I let friends/my partner treat me like dirt because I knew they were wounded. I felt that my loving them unconditionally would initiate their healing. I was wrong, it never did. It just encouraged them to remain wounded and lashing out at me.

In co-dependency terms, this is called "enabling." Some time back, when I was told that it wasn't my role to be their whipping boy, I countered with "But, we're supposed to turn the other cheek. Give the shirt off our backs. Love unconditionally. Be non-judgemental." As time went on, I finally realized that I wasn't helping them by letting them hurt me. I was enabling them to remain the same, and continue treating me with disrespect because they knew they could. I wasn't creating any urgency for them to begin their healing process. The longer they continued their behaviour, the worse their crisis would be. I was actually contributing to their woundedness by not setting any limits. I needed to value myself enough to stop them devaluing me. As I began to cherish my well being, and counter their humiliations, my life began to improve overall. I know I'm not alone in the struggle between loving others unconditionally and loving myself. The Universe is constantly growing and expanding. Unless we do the same, we get prodded along. When you allow people to put you down, humiliate you, belittle you, then you are contributing to making their inevitable consequences harder for them. Universal laws will eventually pull them up short, and the more they've run over peoples' lives, the harder their lesson is going to be. By setting boundaries, you are growing in love. Love of self, and loving the other person enough to put a stop to their breaking Universal Laws of compassion. Love them enough to allow them to experience the consequences of their actions. That's the only way any of us learn. In that way, you are emulating high spiritual qualities and reflecting the unconditionally loving Divine Presence within you.

I trust you don't mind me saying this.