Dr. Wayne Dyer, author and motivational speaker on issues of mental health and self-empowerment, once described love as the "ability and willingness to allow those you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you."
How do you apply the 'love is' theory of 'allowing one to be what they choose' when it involves smoking? I am engaged to a man whom I love very much. He was a smoker for many years and quit (or so I thought), last year. Recently I have heard through the grapevine he is smoking again. When asked he replied, 'I've been under a lot of stress (opened a new business). I suspected this but...
I am allergic to cigarette smoke and basically hate the smell and stay away from ones that do smoke. He has expressed how much he hates smoking and wants to quit. I have even seen him go months without one. I try not to come across hateful about it but I get physically sick when around it. He said, I was afraid to tell you because you said you would leave me if I started up again. (I said that because I don't want to come between his smoking if that is what he enjoys, and the nagging of quitting for his health and mine). He had made it perfectly clear he had quit before for lengths of up to 8 years. He is trying to stop again, yet I see it is very hard for him. He has recently been diagnosed with severe arthritis in his lower back due to a military injury in the 80's. He gives me the reasoning that a cigarette once in a while helps his pain. My own reasoning goes back and forth because I feel for him, yet I know better. It's not the nicotine that relaxes you, it's the breathing in and expanding of the lungs.
Which Wayne Dyer book/books would help in this situation? Or do I move on with my life and let him find someone who smokes or isn't allergic to it. I want what's best for both of us.
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
Somehow this has become a major deal in your relationship. If you find that you are unable to change the way you view this issue then your happiness is in jeopardy.
Hoping for anyone to change anything is usually futile at best nor it is fair. You met him smoking, quiting or otherwise. I have a friend who smoked and her husband hated it and used to give her a hard time about it. Once he decided it was a non issue, after awhile she decided to quit.
Live and let live.