Dr. Wayne Dyer

Dr. Wayne Dyer Fan Discussion Board
-By Fans, For Fans-

Help in infidelity

Anonymous

14-09-2004 05:02:23

I am so weary at this point. I met a guy while I was seperated from my husband and we hit it off so well it was like we could tell what the other was thinking or doing.

We got married three yeas ago Oct 4 after 9/11 hit. We seemed to have the perfect relationship. Then a year ago may I had this strange conversation that was recorded on my voice mail on my cell phone after my husband had apparently hit the send button by mistake. The call was very sexual and it frakly shocked me. He has always been good to be and treated me great. After that I became more aware of things and he said that what I heard was just a joke between a guy and him at work. I never heard anyone else talking. He stated that the other guy was just kind of making finger jesters and stuff. I really didn't believe him and I did hear a distinct hang up of a pay phone when the conversation had ended. I have been truely hurt since and I have found phone cards in his wallet since. I don't know why but how can something so good go so bad. I should mention that this is his third marriage and he was unfaithful to both before. He is still good to me but does not want to discuss this thing and still says he did nothing. But, other things clearly indicate that he has lied to me since.

Is there still hope for us if I invision a better future. He apparently only does this if he actully does when he is at work. I am not sure because of the nature of his job if he slips away during the day. At the time of the call he was working overtime at night and the call indicated meeting after getting off his night job which was 1.5 hours away from home and he stayed with the guy that he worked with at night because it was not feasable for him to come home and have to get up 2 hours after he got home to go back to his day job. He did this two nights a week. Staying with the friend alowed him the extra hour and half of sleep.

He still constantly tells me he loves me. That he is not going anywhere. Am I stupid or what?

S

Anonymous

14-09-2004 05:05:13

I must mention that I never even thought he would stray on me. He always told me that I was the perfect one for him. He said that he would not know what to do if we didn't make it.

He even moved from NYC to another state just to be with me.

Please advise. Please give me hope.

S

Eykis

14-09-2004 20:38:38

I must mention that I never even thought he would stray on me. He always told me that I was the perfect one for him. He said that he would not know what to do if we didn't make it.

He even moved from NYC to another state just to be with me.

Please advise. Please give me hope.

S

Don't trust the words, trust the actions.

Try this. Ask God to either help heal your relationship or to help you see things a different way. Do not ask for a specific outcome. It has to be no strings attached, for the good of everyone involved.

I remember something Louise Hay once wrote about this-
If you don't happen to be one of those people who loves the way their relationships are going-and I am talking about friendships as well as lovers and spouses-it's time to take a long, hard look at the people around you, and an even harder look at yourself. Because no matter how much we hate to admit it, no one is in our lives that we haven't chosen to let in. When there is a difference between what they say and how they behave, IGNORE THE WORDS AND BELIEVE THE BEHAVIOR! I know how obvious that sounds. I also know how easy it is to ignore and/or make excuses for the inconsistencies thanks to hormones, a natural impulse to trust, and an eagerness to love and be loved. Someone who claims to believe in the importance of honesty wouldn't lie to you or be evasive. Someone who claims to believe in commitment wouldn't cheat. And someone who claims to love you would never deliberately demean, abuse, or try to control you. Telling someone they have to change while you stay with them really says, "I
don't mean it, you obviously don't have to change at all, since I'm still here." Telling someone you demand respect while you're tolerating constant disrespect really says, "You can disrespect me all you want, 1 don't mind enough to do anything about it." Remember, whatever you 'accept,' you're declaring 'acceptable.' No other relationship on this earth will offer as much potential security, comfort, and peace of mind as your relationship with yourself. Learn to love your company, and other people are bound to follow. After all, no one wants to miss out on a good time.

BETRAYAL
The most devastating form of betrayal is the betrayal of self. We can destroy ourselves in any number of ways, by either ignoring signals from ourselves or by letting ourselves be swayed by something called 'determinism'. Simply put, determinism means letting someone else determine supposed facts about you. It's betrayal of self to let anyone, including yourself, define who you should be and what your supposed limits are. It is betrayal of self to let anyone, including yourself, demean you, abuse you, or make you doubt your goodness and potential. Overcoming betrayal by someone you loved and trusted isn't so easy. I wish I could promise you that if you are smart enough, or alert enough, or careful enough, or a good
enough person, you'll never be betrayed. As it is, I can only promise that you can, will and must survive.

Here are a few tips
1. The answer to 'how could I have been so stupid' is 'by believing that everyone's mind and heart work like yours', they don't. It is that simple.
2. The answer to 'how could they do this to me if they loved me? is 'their spirit has a longer way to go on its journey than yours does, or they wouldn't put so little value on love.' It is THEIR lesson to learn, and they might not in this lifetime.

Ron

15-09-2004 16:30:10

If you will read your posting very slowly, I believe you will also see your own answer. You are not stupid, but you might call yourself a "slow-learner." You entered into another relationship before your other relationship ended. You never saw what you were to learn from the first one so you keep repeating your lessons over and over. In every relationship you have ever had, one factor has always been present in them all - YOU. You apparently are looking to someone else to make you happy, but you are not happy with you! Do you see any similarities in this relationship and your previous relationship? Look hard and be honest with yourself. For example, in your previous relationship, did you also doubt your husband? Were you suspicious of him as well. And I guess the big question that only you can answer is Do you believe him? And then why? No relationship is perfect! You may see one that appears that way, or you may watch a movie that shows one that you envision as yours, but no relationship is perfect of itself. Any and every relationship must be worked at by both parties in order to make a go of it. Honesty and trust are two big words that have to be addressed.

I realize this all after the fact, but if this man was married twice before, you must have had some inclination that he has a problem in relationshps. Of course, he will tell you his version of what went wrong, but wouldn't you love to hear from the mates as well? I realize that this is not practical, but I am only trying to make a point. Listen to people and pick up the messages they are sending. "Hey, I have been married twice before, and I am ready for another go at it - just don't question me or expect me to change." And that is a big problem - we all too often expect others to change in a relationship - but they don't. And we don't change either. We are as we are and we ask that we be accepted with our flaws - but please see the flaws before committing.

And please do yourself a favor right now - change your name from "sadsoulmate" - you see yourself that way - you see yourself depressed and sad. Learn to love yourself unconditionally - learn to love yourself just as you are - that you are okay just where you are and how you are right now - this is the starting point. Then as you look at you and you don't like what you see in you, you start to change that in you - that you can do and must do alone. No one can change you for you. Begin there and look closely at your current relationship and your previous relationships. My guess is that you will see a pattern that you have - then you can start changing that pattern. Learn from the relationships. Even if they are over, you can still learn from them. See what you did in them that you don't like. See what you did in them, that you repeated in others. And if you feel like talking more, I am always around for you. I am a good listener.

Namaste - Ron

chris knight

15-09-2004 19:33:39

And please do yourself a favor right now - change your name from "sadsoulmate" - you see yourself that way - you see yourself depressed and sad. Learn to love yourself unconditionally
How we perceive ourselves determines an enormous amount of how we respond to ourself (via self talk) and others in different environments.

It's not that it's "wrong" to be sad, but it is not as helpful as "faking it till you make it" by branding yourself as something positive instead. Doesn't matter if it's not true...at least yet.

Dyer has written much on this concept of "you'll see it when you believe it".... meaning, when you believe you are not sad, you will no longer be sad.

It is that simple... even though our ego wants us to believe in false illusions and additional complexities that only exist because we perceive that we get some sort of payoff from believing so.

WHITECLOUD

16-09-2004 08:22:21

Ok..I have changed my name. I never dreamed or thought that things would go like they have. My past ex only thought of hisself only looked after his-self. When I met my current husband he treated me the way I had always looked to be treated. It was like I was precious to him. We had a lot of good times he treated my children as if they were his own. He did the right thing when he wanted to marry me and went to my father first to ask his permission. He has been excelent to my parents. He and my father got a long so well like father and son. Then my father passed away two years ago. I was sad for a while because he was my best friend also. My husband had a hard childhood his father was not the best father but he says he still loved him. He adored his mother. Unfortunately both of them passed away within 5 months of each other.

I am trying to find my true inner peace and be happy. My husband actully does still does things for me and still tells me that he truely loves.
me. It just I know he lies about some other things. I would like my intenitons to bring peace to us both and heal all past bad experience and fall back into the love we once had exclusively.

I would like to know with the right thoughts and beliefs can I still change the course of this relationship.

Ron

19-09-2004 10:25:24

All Right! from sadsoulmate to WhiteCloud - what a change in your perspective - and see how easy it was to change a thought?

You say " am trying to find my true inner peace and be happy. My husband actully does still does things for me and still tells me that he truely loves me. It just I know he lies about some other things. I would like my intenitons to bring peace to us both and heal all past bad experience and fall back into the love we once had exclusively."

How very fortunate you are to be able to write this beautiful verse of a beautiful marriage and union. Let me ask you this do you ever "lie" to your husband? Do you ever forget to tell him something on purpose? Do you ever hide certain things from him? Perhaps the "lies" your husband is telling you are done in keeping problems from you, protecting you perhaps. Do you believe he loves you? Do you love him? And are there any conditions on your love for him? In order for your intentions to bring you what you seek, you must first let go of them, and you must do this by letting go of the past. Too many of us attempt to live in the past, when we fail to realize it is over and only this moment is here and now. And you cannot bring peace to your husband - you can bring peace to you, and therefore share that with your husband, must he must want peace in his life as well. And perhaps you might look at the love you had, as just a smoldering fire that needs some new wood added to it for it to burn bright once again. And the flames of this fire can be seen by you forgiving yourself for the thoughts you are holding - for the thoughts of doubt and fear you have. Trust in the power and knowledge within you and know that you are of God and that God love you without conditions. Then love your husband as God loves you - without condtions. Love him just as he is. Love you just as you are.

And may you see your cloud drift into the happiness that lies before you.

Namaste - Ron