Dr. Wayne Dyer

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Living By Example


10-01-2006 09:52:58

Has anyone every said to you, "you've always been the strong one in the family"? Or perhaps, "I never really worried about you". I got that a lot growing up and again last week. It seems my family has always thought of me as 'the one' who'll always be there to breathe some positive air into things. They see me as the one to 'make things right'. It's a little like Neo being told he was 'the one' to save the world in The Matrix. Yep, talk about pressure. And to make things even stranger, I'm the youngest in my family. ***rewind to a few years ago*** For the past 3 1/2 years my oldest sister lived with my Mom(73) because she was 'unable' to take care of herself. She's had a colored past, painted with spousal abuse, alcohol and depression that she never dealt with. My Mom, who herself lacks self-worth, always saw her purpose as her children and never did anything for herself. Sounds selfless but as the years progressed she's become more internally bitter about it. My mom is the martyr of all time! Throw into that my drug addicted nephew, whose son also lived with my Mom for 2 years and my nephew himself who made his home there as he rehabilitated and you have a mess of confusion. *heavy sigh* I've always loved my family; still do; but I avoided getting directly involved in their lives. Instead I always tried to do what made 'me' happy. I always tried to live by example but what I wasn't counting on was the guilt ego instilled on me for not directly helping them.(or enabling them depending on how you look at it) but I trudged forward, always thinking, 'I can't control their lives. If they ask my opinion I'll tell them. Otherwise, I'm just going to do what I 'feel' is right for me. I can't live in the past even though they all choose to. What I didn't count on was that I was indeed living by example and even though I didn't know it, it seems they were paying attention. I never shut them 'out' of my life. I never didn't love them. I was always kind. I just chose not to live there among that negativity. ***fast forward to a few days ago*** My Mom had the opportunity to move into an independent living facility where two of her sisters already make their home. But she fought it because of my oldest sister. "Where would she go?", Mom asked. I got letter after letter from my sister saying, "I know it's the right decision for Mom but what am I going to do?" I just kept saying, "hon...you can do whatever you want". "This is 'your' time". Take this and run with it. Change the way you look at it. This is a good thing. And I'm happy to report that my sister is now getting the help she so desperately needed and my Mom is now living in a wonderful apartment starting to come around. It's funny...really. Just when you think you're not making a difference; you really are. There's no pressure being the one everyone counts on. I'm just living my life. I was so happy I didn't waiver in my positive outlook on things. I didn't get caught up in the mire of misery and doubt. Even though at times I felt like my heart and head was going to explode I just kept thinking, this is right...this is the best... it will work...I have the strength. ****now**** I just heard from my sister and she's doing well. She's now in therapy just now starting to realize all the things she's been missing. Mom? Well she was laughing on the phone like I hadn't heard her laugh in years. Me? I'm just living my life, on purpose. And if we do it with unwavering love and kindness, people 'will' pay attention.


12-01-2006 09:40:40

Dear On Purpose,

What a terrific testimony! I wonder how many countless others you have set an example for without knowing. Keep up with your great life!



15-02-2006 12:46:26

I'm just realizing that I have been in that exact same boat--- but I literally led my life in order to keep my parents and spouse happy and sacrificed my own happiness. After a life changing incident my husband started reading " YOUR SACRED SOUL " and encouraged me to read it. I feel like a new person. I know speak up for myself and doing things for myself that in the past I never took the time to do. I am a much happier person. I still have moments where I feel guilty about things that are going on in but I have to realize that I need to live my life -- I can support the people in my life without sacrificing my self. After my husband had an affair - I realized that my previous actions did not keep him happy and I realized that I was enabling him to keep taking me for granted. I realized that my life was so not what I had envisioned and I needed to make a change for myself first and then make a wonderful life for my 6 kids and if in that process my husband and I were happy then that was a bonus. I NOW wake up everyday excited for my children and I and what life has in store for us.


15-02-2006 13:24:15

Hi Kel... you said,
~"I realized that my previous actions did not keep him happy and I realized that I was enabling him to keep taking me for granted."~

Well, if your husband 'blamed' his infidelity on your previous actions that's sad. Because as human beings I believe we have the ability to be happy or not. I certainly hope you don't blame yourself for his betrayal. Human beings make choices. And despite their reasoning, they still make them because they choose to. You are no more responsible for your husbands actions then he is for yours.
It does sound however like you're moving forward! Like Dr. Dyer says...and I'm paraphrasing here... 'Remember your natural state is JOY! You come from peace and joy. You must stay in harmony with that which from which you came in order to fulfill your dreams and desires! Choose to stay in your 'natural state'! Any time you're anxious, stressed out, depressed or fearful remember you've abandonded that state. If you want to be happy, then be happy!